ADVENTURES IN SPACE AND TIME!!!

Writing this from my still fabulous phone while the Doctor is sitting on my computer like this

I asked him what he’s doing, and he said he’s like “I’m reading Adventures in Space and Time!!! A fine blog if I do say so myself.”

Me:

Then I was like, So what are you going to do now? Same old life, last of the time lords?

He nodded. And then he’s like, Audrey, it’s not all like this. There are days when everyone survives and the human race doesn’t turn into a killing machine. This would never have been made into an episode, I’m sorry about that, but there are things out there you’d never believe. Things you’d love to see.

I THOUGHT YOU’D NEVER ASK, DARLING. I think I still creep him out with my fangirling, a bit. But he’s starting to get used to it.

So, of course I’m going. I don’t know how long I’ll last out there. The universe is a lot scarier than I realized. But not without a sense of humor, either. Making me start the zombie trend. I’m never getting over that. I would maybe categorize the universe as just plain cruel there. But it also brought me the Doctor. Maybe life is a tv show. I’m not complaining.

It’s over now, I guess. And we survived. Me, the Doctor. Johnny. The human race. We made it.

It was terrifying at first. The moment we stepped out of the tardis, I was just like

It was a blood bath. Without the blood. Although some people were bloody, which Johnny informed us was fake blood they took from the zombie exhibit, or something. I do not understand people.

I guess after the initial madness and mayhem when the mummies broke out of the museum, people got kind of into it. I mean, it was the zombie apocalypse. With mummies, but hey, a little pretend has obviously never been a problem for the human race. So I guess I was wrong about The Zombie Survival Guide not helping you in your every day life. It helped people. They started using everything they learned from that stupid book to defeat the mummies. And it worked. The smashing skulls, blowing out brains business. Eventually they broke into the zombie exhibit and started using those weapons.

We arrived at the latter end of the battle, so honestly, we didn’t do much. We sort of just stood there. And peeked from behind things.

Yeah, kind of like that.

I happened to see Johnny during this, and honestly, I was kind of impressed. I guess his video game skills have paid off, because he was FIGHTING. IF THE MUMMIES WERE POTS, HE WAS SHANG.

Though a bit less ripped, unfortunately. Anyway, eventually he saw us and came over and told us everything that had happened since we’d been gone. He wanted to know what we’d been doing. I think he was a little bit mad at the Doctor, because it looked like we just left and didn’t do anything to help. He has no idea. Maybe I’ll tell him sometime, but… I didn’t feel like talking about it then. Not with him, anyway.

Eventually it looked like all of the mummies had been taken care of. They were maybe a few stragglers here and there, but this zombie apocalypse is definitely not going to become a worldwide thing. It’s over. Our zombie enthused city dealt with it.

Afterwards, I talked to the Doctor about it, and… I don’t know what to think. Everyone adjusted to this new zombie apocalypse world so easily. They just started killing the mummies like there was no tomorrow. Anyone who became a mummy, even if it just happened like two minutes ago, they were instantly attacked and brutally killed. But they were people too. Whether 800 years ago or just a few minutes. It’s like everyone was just so eager to kill. The moment someone seemed somewhat less than human, they just went to town.

This is what the Doctor had to say about it:

And he went on about how awful we are, how eager to kill anything in our way, how anything alien automatically this Other we have to get rid of.

And I was like yeah, but you still fight for us. Why?

You’re also brilliant, he said. You made up a zombie apocalypse so you could survive an alien virus years later.

I’m still angry about that, I said.

He just laughed and was like, Well, you have to admit it was brilliant. You humans never give up. You’re going to keep surviving. Reaching out into the stars, whether or not I ever get rid of that memory blocker. You’re fantastic, more than you’ll ever realize.

Me:

I may have creeped him out with some major fangirling at this point. But eventually I convinced him to come to my house again. I still have more fish sticks and custard, after all. And we both need a bit of a rest.

Before we left, I told Johnny that whatever happened, I’d come see him, sometime. I don’t know if anything more will happen between us now, if anything, but I do know that I’m glad he’s alive. I’m glad we’re all alive.

I AM SO ANGRY AND THE DOCTOR IS JUST LAUGHING AT ME.

So after a long time of sitting in the tardis kind of awkwardly and miserably, I was like, Doctor, come on. We’re not just going to let the human race turn into mummies. You’re the Doctor!

He was like oh, you have an idea?

And I was like WELL. …Um. Uh… No. But I mean, people can at least fight back! I mean, I know those mummies were people and it’s terrible what happened to them, but if there’s really no way of reversing the disease, they’re already dead, right? So people should stop them. So no one else dies. We have to warn them! We can go back to, like, I don’t know, any time before the mummies came out and tell people. You’ve seen the disease before, right? So we can at least tell people what’s going on. How to fight back. How do you fight back, anyway?

He told me that on Alphaxanthialan, they cut off their heads. Or smashed their skulls or something. It was the only way. There was something in their brains telling them to touch everyone near them and the only way to stop that message was to separate the brain from the body. Or just destroy it.

I was like 

WHY IS THIS TURNING INTO A ZOMBIE MOVIE.

But then I was like okay, well, we’re going to go tell people that. He was a little bit skeptical about who, exactly, we were going to tell, and also just upset that people are dying and he can’t save them, but he agreed it was worth a shot, so we took off in the tardis.

But we landed in 1967. And we ran into George Romero. I really only knew who George Romero is because of Johnny, and when we ran into him I was like just like

The Doctor was really excited. He was like oh, George Romero, Night of the Living Dead, brilliant! The movie that started the whole zombie craze!

And of course good old George was like, Night of the Living Dead, what’s that? Because of course he’s sitting there trying to write a script for a movie. And he’s like, do you guys have any ideas for a good horror flick?

I AM PRETTY SURE THE UNIVERSE HATES ME. BECAUSE I HATE ZOMBIES MORE THAN ANYONE IN THE WORLD, AND I AM NOW RESPONSIBLE FOR STARTING THE ZOMBIE FAD.

So anyway, we told him about mummies coming back from the dead. And he was just like yeah, but mummies have been done before. In the 30s. That’s so old. So then we were like well… they’re not just mummies. They want to turn everyone else into mummies by touching them. And… the only way to stop them is to cut off their heads, to separate that idea from the rest of their bodies.

He was like, Huh, you’ve got some interesting ideas there. I mean, reanimation, there’s just a lot you can do with that. Especially if it can happen to just anyone. They’d be everywhere, I suppose. The living dead. Night of the living dead.

I tried for a really long time to make him get it more accurate, but everything I said he just took off with his own ideas for that stupid gory zombie movie. I asked the Doctor if we couldn’t do this more efficiently. Just, like, tell people who are in authority. Like the police.

But he was just like

This is where the tardis brought us.

Next we meet Max Brooks. Not sure what year it was, but he loved everything we had to tell him. The disease part, the spreading of it, and he could brainstorm, like, 5 million ways to kill a zombie. I tried to tell him they’re going to be mummies, not zombies; it’s a mummy apocalypse, but he was just like mummies are so over. The world wants blood and brains and gore!

When we got back to the tardis, I was like well, Doctor, anyone else we need to turn into a zombie enthusiast?

He was like, Ohh, not that I know of.

Then I told him about the zombie exhibit across town and how angry it made me, because no one cared about real history. And then I was like… well… I guess the history museum wasn’t necessarily any more accurate. Maybe we’re about on the same level as the zombie exhibit. Maybe the zombie exhibit is more accurate. Who knows what’s real anymore.

After a minute or so, he was like well, shall we go see if it worked?

So, here we go.

The doctor somehow hooked up this one screen in the tardis so we could watch the news from the day after the mummies came back to life in the museum, and they’ve broken out already. They were all over the city. They police tried to confine them as much as they could, but… I don’t know. I’m scared. It was like watching a zombie apocalypse. Only it was a mummy apocalypse. All you need is some more blood and all the goths would be set. Not just goths, I guess. Johnny loved zombies. He was not goth. At all. Just a bit of a video game nerd.

What if he’s turned into one of them?

The Doctor is yelling at me because I am just sitting here on Tumblr and taking stupid quizzes while my world is falling apart. He says everyone I know is going to be turned into those mummy things and then there will be no humans left, and my whole generation is just going to sit here blogging it until we get turned into mummy/zombie things ourselves. He says we might as well be turned already, since all we do is sit there staring at screens all the time.

Donna Noble
Take Which Doctor Who companion are you? (girls) today!
Created with Rum and Monkey’s Personality Test Generator.

You’re Donna Noble! Oi! Wotch it, Martian boy! The Doctor thinks he can spout all kinds of ridiculous technobabble and ‘Last Time Lord Angst’ at you just because he’s from outer space, huh? Well, you’re not having any of it! You’ve got a heart of gold and a will of iron, and you’re a rather boggling combination of a romantic idealist and a staunch realist. But you never let logical paradoxes get to you; you prefer to shoehorn the universe into a little box of your own perception. More often than not, it fits… probably because the universe is too intimidated to argue!

So I asked the Doctor, I was like: I know we didn’t save anyone here, but you thought it might be a fixed point in time, so I guess we should have guessed it might end up this way. But… we can still fix it in the future, can’t we? We can stop them from, like, turning the whole world into mummies or whatever. And maybe we can reverse the disease, yeah? At least on the people who just got turned and didn’t die or anything?

But he just looked at me and was like, this isn’t a television show, Audrey.

And I was like, Yeah, but you’re the Doctor!

And he was like, Yes, but it’s not all flash and bang and running around saving the world! Sometimes things don’t work out! I’ve seen the disease they used before, and it turns everyone into these, just…walking, mummy…zombie things. All they do is try to touch everyone, to turn everyone like them. Then of course the daleks can come and pick you off one by one, because you won’t even put a fight! It takes away your fight, your humanity. And I don’t know any way to reverse it.

Me: But you’ll think of something.

He didn’t say anything. He just looked at me. I’m hoping this is just one of his angsty moments. He has those. He’ll have bright idea and recover. Right now he just needs a moment as the last of the time lords, responsible for all those deaths. Even though it’s not his fault.

Him:

I JUST. WE’RE DONE WITH EGYPT. NOTHING WENT RIGHT. I DON’T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE THIS.

So we told King Tut about the sarcophagi and tried to get him to understand the implications of what we were saying. I’m not sure how much got through to him, but apparently enough that he agreed we should go confront Ay. So we did that.

And at first he’s just like I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT, and we were like

And then he was like Okay, okay, but THE GODS TOLD ME TO HAVE THE SARCOPHAGI MADE. IT IS THEIR WILL.

And Tut was like why would they do that? Are they really for my guards? Are they going to die? But Ay wasn’t answering any questions, so then the Doctor was just like THIS ENDS NOW. I’M GOING DOWN THERE AND FIGURING OUT HOW TO DISABLE THE TIME LOCKS.

But then Ay was like NOOOOO and lunged at him, and it was going to turn into this all out brawl, but then the daleks showed up from wherever they were hiding, so of course Ay and Tut fall on their faces, like THE GODS HAVE APPEARED, and the Doctor and I are just like

The daleks were like WE ARE THE GODS. WE WILL BE OBEYED.

And the Doctor was like, You’re not gods. You’re just daleks.

And they were like IT IS THE DOCTOR. EXTERMINATE EXTERMINATE. But he put up a shield with his sonic screwdriver and pulled me into it, and then he was like You’re going to tell me what you’re doing, and I’m going to stop it. He was in total serious mode. Like Ten serious mode. Getting down to business.

But the daleks were like WE CANNOT BE STOPPED. WE HAVE SET IN MOTION A NEW PLAN. THE HUMAN RACE WILL DESTROY ITSELF.

The Doctor was like, Not on my watch. I almost died because he was so THE DOCTOR in that moment. Defending the human race and everything. I mean, guess he’s always the Doctor. Since he is the Doctor. For real. But right then he seemed like the Doctor that I know. From the show. Which I guess would make him more fake, but… he seemed more real to me then. Even if he wasn’t.

But there wasn’t much we could do. This other guy came in, one of the advisers or guards or something, and he said the guards had died. All of them. Just like that. I was with them a few hours ago.

Anyway, then the daleks said it was their will that the guards be placed in the sarcophagi and shut in. So they’ll rise again in like eight hundred years and take over the whole world. They didn’t say that, but the Doctor did. He kept trying to tell everyone, and he tried to fight the daleks, but then they just killed the other people who came in. And that just further solidified everyone’s belief that they’re gods.

But then after, like, ten people had just been killed, Tut stood up, and he was like, I don’t want this. I don’t believe that you’re the gods I wanted Egypt to worship. He said it quietly but with so much… like, dignity. He’s just a kid.

But Ay just came at him and kicked him. His back made this awful noise as he fell. I was trying to make sure he was okay. I knew he wasn’t, though. And… I don’t know what all else happened. The Doctor was telling some of the guards what to do, to help, trying to fight the daleks with, like, statues and cats and stuff. It would have worked, but they just weren’t fast enough. The daleks must have had the sarcophagi on some kind of teleportation device. So some of the other guards who were following Ay brought the dead guards. The doctor tried to stop them. But there were just too many of them. They put the guards inside and locked them.

Then the daleks said that the disease would mature in the sarcophagi and they would rise again, or something, and then they just left. They flew away and were gone.

The Doctor kept yelling at Ay for a long time. But he just kept saying it was the will of the gods. Some physicians came to take care of Tut, but his back will never be the same. They think he has scoliosis in the future. They have no idea.

The Doctor told me we were going then. So we went back to the tardis, and we’re just sitting here now. I don’t know what’s going to happen.

I’ve been searching for daleks with the Doctor, and at first I was all sad and miserable about the guards, but then we FOUND THIS SECRET PASSAGEWAY, which, just, yes.

The Doctor was pretty excited too, and I was like haven’t you seen plenty of secret passageways? But he was just like oh, you never get tired of secret passageways.

So we go down some stairs into this underground tunnel and guess what is in there? Not the daleks, sadly, but the SARCOPHAGI. With the glyphs all like they are in the museum, but they were all empty and open.

The Doctor was like I don’t know what they would have all these empty sarcophagi down here for if they weren’t planning on putting someone in them.

And then we found a way out of the secret passageway that led into Ay’s rooms. Hmm.

Called it.