I was complaining to the Doctor about not being able to blog or even LOOK at Tumblr because my phone is so crappy, and he was like who doesn’t have internet on their phone in the 21st century? Well, ME, OBVIOUSLY. And so he took my phone and did something to it with his sonic screwdriver.
Then he was like, there, I just downloaded your whole computer onto it. Now you have the internet and all of your files, and it should go about 500 times faster.
Uhhhh. Please sonic my whole life. It could be so much better. Seriously, when is Earth getting this technology? Maybe it could turn my house into a mansion. Or a spaceship? Do workouts for me. Make Johnny less of an idiot.
Okay, maybe sonic-ness can’t solve everything. But I still feel like it would just make life BETTER, you know?
One thing, though - the Doctor isn’t totally sure where in time these posts will go to. He thinks they should go to approximately when we left off since that was the date on my computer when he downloaded all of it, but there’s really no way of knowing, SINCE WE ARE IN ANCIENT EGYPT.
I really don’t know how I am handling myself. I think it has just been so much shock that I’ve started to accept it. Okay, maybe not accept it. But I’m more like
instead of just having a complete mental breakdown. So that’s good!
Anyway, to recap. We get out of the tardis in Egypt. There are sand dunes and pyramids and camels. When we walk into the city, everything is covered in glyphs (WHICH THE TARDIS TRANSLATES) and the palace has SO MUCH gold.
I suddenly realized that I REALLY LOVE HISTORY, I JUST HATE THE MUSEUM. And with the Doctor, history is bound to get 5 billion times cooler.
So we’re walking around and the Doctor asks some guy what year it is, and the guy looks at us like YOU’RE AN IDIOT, but he tells him, and the Doctor’s like Oh! King Tut must be, what, 11? Audrey, what do you know about King Tut?
I know that the museum was really angry we couldn’t get his exhibit. All we’ve got is some obscure mummies no one knows about. It’s like hipster Egypt. You’ve probably never heard of it. BUT apparently the mummies come back to life. I guess that’s cool?
He gives me this look like he’s thinking, Really? That’s all you’ve got?
So then I feel like I need to prove that I do know things, so I start pointing out everything I recognize from the exhibit and listing off everything I know about it. When I get to the end, I start talking about the sarcophagi that opened, and I’m like, the information plaques said that the inscriptions were the same on all of them. It said something like “Here lies one condemned, locked away from the world, to lie forever in the shadow of the true king.” It made them out to be these huge criminals, but this one time I was bored out of my mind, so I looked up all the glyphs myself and I had a bit of a different impression.
It seemed to me like it wasn’t actually saying they were condemned BY anyone. They were just condemned, like from some outside force. And forever wasn’t really forever, it was just a REALLY LONG TIME that they decided probably meant forever. And lie might have been wait. But really I was kind of just LOOKING to make it into a mummy movie, because I was SO BORED with my life. And honestly, hieroglyphs are RIDICULOUS and you can never really figure out what they’re trying to get across.
But when I told all of that to the Doctor, he looked at me and this slow smile spread across his face until he looked super excited.
It was like that moment in the episodes when his companions finally feel validated as his companions because they have figured something out and aren’t just worthless, along for the ride sort of people. Like you realize the Doctor actually thinks you are worth something, even though he is a TIME LORD and pretty much knows everything and does what he wants, but he would still choose to travel with YOU, some unimportant Earth girl. It is the best feeling ever.
Although I was kind of like… I don’t know what you think is brilliant, because I don’t even understand the implications of what I’m saying.
But anyway, we walked some more and I was like SO IS THIS WHERE WE BREAK OUT THE PSYCHIC PAPER AND PRETEND TO BE SOMEONE IMPORTANT SO WE CAN GO SEE THE KING?
He was like …yes, but I think he was kind of sad that I stole his lines.
So we go to the palace and show the psychic paper to some guards, and they’re like “OH, YOU’RE THE DOCTORS! YOU WILL BE TAKEN TO TUTANKHAMUN IMMEDIATELY.”
So we were kind of like HAHA WHAT OKAY THAT IS ALMOST TRUE, and we go, and King Tut is this kid, like 11 years old like the Doctor said, but he’s got the Egyptian eyeliner and all these gold rings in his ears and stuff. It was weird. The conversation was basically like:
King Tut: Are you doctors?
The Doctor: Weeeellllllllllll, I’m the Doctor, and this is Audrey.
King Tut: You are dressed very strangely for doctors.
The Doctor: Are we? Sorry about that. We’ve just come from very, very far away.
King Tut: Can you help them?
The Doctor: Help who? Who needs our help?
And he knelt down and talked to King Tut at his level, like he always does. He’ll always stop for crying children. For a second I forgot that King Tut is an Egyptian king, probably from some creepy incestuous relationship, and I think he marries his half sister later on and then dies when he’s like 18 and how weird Egyptians are in general. But for a second King Tut’s just this kid. And he’s scared.
So eventually we find out that three of King Tut’s most trusted guards are sick and no one can figure out what’s wrong with them. They looked pretty bad, I guess, but not like grotesque. They basically just looked like they had the flu. More moany and groany, but just give them tea, let them rest, I say. But of course, this is Doctor Who. So it’s probably an alien disease. Or they’re aliens themselves. Aliens built the pyramids, yeah?
So the Doctor asked a bunch of questions. I wasn’t really paying attention, because WE ARE IN ANCIENT EGYPT. There is just so much to look at. MORE TO SEE THAN CAN EVER BE SEEN.
But what I got out of it was that this disease hasn’t been going around at all prior to this, it just struck all at once, and they’ve been sick for a month now and they aren’t getting any better, and no one can figure out why. And then the Doctor was like, have you noticed anything strange going on lately? And then the King Tut’s adviser, Ay, was like THERE IS NOTHING STRANGE GOING ON.
I was kind of like
because, you know, it’s always the scheming, diabolical adviser.
And then the Doctor was like well, have there been any major changes around here?
And King Tut got all puffed up and self important looking, and he’s like oh, yeah, I just changed our religion around and lifted the ban my father had on worshiping Amun. When the Doctor asked him why, he was all like, Well, the gods have spoken to me, and I know and understand their will because I am one of them.
I kind of wanted to slap him.
But the Doctor was like oh, and what do the gods look like?
Tut’s just like, they’re gold, and they shine like the sun.
And then the Doctor was like, okay, but what’s so great about Amun? Why did your father have a ban, and why did you lift it?
Tut: Amun shines the brightest of all the gods. My father refused to see it.
Doctor: Uh-hum. And you’re one of them. But you don’t…shine.
And then Ay was like are you questioning the king’s authority and divinity?
Then I jumped in like, No, no, we’re just foreigners and we don’t understand your customs, but we will find a way to help you, and I made sure to talk really slow to emphasize our foreignness and basically sound like an idiot, and eventually Ay backed off. Then they were really quite hospitable and fed us dinner and stuff, although I am really quite scared of what I might have eaten. THEY NEVER SHOW MEALS IN THE SHOW. I WAS NOT EXPECTING THIS. But I guess I didn’t throw up during it, so all is well.
And now I am in a bedroom in King Tut’s palace that has a lotus pool and balcony and is quite fancy, but I’m not sure I’ll be able to sleep at all tonight. I want to run around. That’s what the Doctor does, isn’t it? Who can sleep when there are, like, ALIEN DISEASES RUNNING AROUND. OR THAT EVIL AY WHO IS PROBABLY GOING TO…DO…SOMETHING. SOMETHING BAD.
OMG, the Doctor just popped over my balcony and was like LET’S GO EXPLORING. Totally freaked me out.
And he says he likes a good nap.