ADVENTURES IN SPACE AND TIME!!!

It’s over now, I guess. And we survived. Me, the Doctor. Johnny. The human race. We made it.

It was terrifying at first. The moment we stepped out of the tardis, I was just like

It was a blood bath. Without the blood. Although some people were bloody, which Johnny informed us was fake blood they took from the zombie exhibit, or something. I do not understand people.

I guess after the initial madness and mayhem when the mummies broke out of the museum, people got kind of into it. I mean, it was the zombie apocalypse. With mummies, but hey, a little pretend has obviously never been a problem for the human race. So I guess I was wrong about The Zombie Survival Guide not helping you in your every day life. It helped people. They started using everything they learned from that stupid book to defeat the mummies. And it worked. The smashing skulls, blowing out brains business. Eventually they broke into the zombie exhibit and started using those weapons.

We arrived at the latter end of the battle, so honestly, we didn’t do much. We sort of just stood there. And peeked from behind things.

Yeah, kind of like that.

I happened to see Johnny during this, and honestly, I was kind of impressed. I guess his video game skills have paid off, because he was FIGHTING. IF THE MUMMIES WERE POTS, HE WAS SHANG.

Though a bit less ripped, unfortunately. Anyway, eventually he saw us and came over and told us everything that had happened since we’d been gone. He wanted to know what we’d been doing. I think he was a little bit mad at the Doctor, because it looked like we just left and didn’t do anything to help. He has no idea. Maybe I’ll tell him sometime, but… I didn’t feel like talking about it then. Not with him, anyway.

Eventually it looked like all of the mummies had been taken care of. They were maybe a few stragglers here and there, but this zombie apocalypse is definitely not going to become a worldwide thing. It’s over. Our zombie enthused city dealt with it.

Afterwards, I talked to the Doctor about it, and… I don’t know what to think. Everyone adjusted to this new zombie apocalypse world so easily. They just started killing the mummies like there was no tomorrow. Anyone who became a mummy, even if it just happened like two minutes ago, they were instantly attacked and brutally killed. But they were people too. Whether 800 years ago or just a few minutes. It’s like everyone was just so eager to kill. The moment someone seemed somewhat less than human, they just went to town.

This is what the Doctor had to say about it:

And he went on about how awful we are, how eager to kill anything in our way, how anything alien automatically this Other we have to get rid of.

And I was like yeah, but you still fight for us. Why?

You’re also brilliant, he said. You made up a zombie apocalypse so you could survive an alien virus years later.

I’m still angry about that, I said.

He just laughed and was like, Well, you have to admit it was brilliant. You humans never give up. You’re going to keep surviving. Reaching out into the stars, whether or not I ever get rid of that memory blocker. You’re fantastic, more than you’ll ever realize.

Me:

I may have creeped him out with some major fangirling at this point. But eventually I convinced him to come to my house again. I still have more fish sticks and custard, after all. And we both need a bit of a rest.

Before we left, I told Johnny that whatever happened, I’d come see him, sometime. I don’t know if anything more will happen between us now, if anything, but I do know that I’m glad he’s alive. I’m glad we’re all alive.

I AM SO ANGRY AND THE DOCTOR IS JUST LAUGHING AT ME.

So after a long time of sitting in the tardis kind of awkwardly and miserably, I was like, Doctor, come on. We’re not just going to let the human race turn into mummies. You’re the Doctor!

He was like oh, you have an idea?

And I was like WELL. …Um. Uh… No. But I mean, people can at least fight back! I mean, I know those mummies were people and it’s terrible what happened to them, but if there’s really no way of reversing the disease, they’re already dead, right? So people should stop them. So no one else dies. We have to warn them! We can go back to, like, I don’t know, any time before the mummies came out and tell people. You’ve seen the disease before, right? So we can at least tell people what’s going on. How to fight back. How do you fight back, anyway?

He told me that on Alphaxanthialan, they cut off their heads. Or smashed their skulls or something. It was the only way. There was something in their brains telling them to touch everyone near them and the only way to stop that message was to separate the brain from the body. Or just destroy it.

I was like 

WHY IS THIS TURNING INTO A ZOMBIE MOVIE.

But then I was like okay, well, we’re going to go tell people that. He was a little bit skeptical about who, exactly, we were going to tell, and also just upset that people are dying and he can’t save them, but he agreed it was worth a shot, so we took off in the tardis.

But we landed in 1967. And we ran into George Romero. I really only knew who George Romero is because of Johnny, and when we ran into him I was like just like

The Doctor was really excited. He was like oh, George Romero, Night of the Living Dead, brilliant! The movie that started the whole zombie craze!

And of course good old George was like, Night of the Living Dead, what’s that? Because of course he’s sitting there trying to write a script for a movie. And he’s like, do you guys have any ideas for a good horror flick?

I AM PRETTY SURE THE UNIVERSE HATES ME. BECAUSE I HATE ZOMBIES MORE THAN ANYONE IN THE WORLD, AND I AM NOW RESPONSIBLE FOR STARTING THE ZOMBIE FAD.

So anyway, we told him about mummies coming back from the dead. And he was just like yeah, but mummies have been done before. In the 30s. That’s so old. So then we were like well… they’re not just mummies. They want to turn everyone else into mummies by touching them. And… the only way to stop them is to cut off their heads, to separate that idea from the rest of their bodies.

He was like, Huh, you’ve got some interesting ideas there. I mean, reanimation, there’s just a lot you can do with that. Especially if it can happen to just anyone. They’d be everywhere, I suppose. The living dead. Night of the living dead.

I tried for a really long time to make him get it more accurate, but everything I said he just took off with his own ideas for that stupid gory zombie movie. I asked the Doctor if we couldn’t do this more efficiently. Just, like, tell people who are in authority. Like the police.

But he was just like

This is where the tardis brought us.

Next we meet Max Brooks. Not sure what year it was, but he loved everything we had to tell him. The disease part, the spreading of it, and he could brainstorm, like, 5 million ways to kill a zombie. I tried to tell him they’re going to be mummies, not zombies; it’s a mummy apocalypse, but he was just like mummies are so over. The world wants blood and brains and gore!

When we got back to the tardis, I was like well, Doctor, anyone else we need to turn into a zombie enthusiast?

He was like, Ohh, not that I know of.

Then I told him about the zombie exhibit across town and how angry it made me, because no one cared about real history. And then I was like… well… I guess the history museum wasn’t necessarily any more accurate. Maybe we’re about on the same level as the zombie exhibit. Maybe the zombie exhibit is more accurate. Who knows what’s real anymore.

After a minute or so, he was like well, shall we go see if it worked?

So, here we go.

The doctor somehow hooked up this one screen in the tardis so we could watch the news from the day after the mummies came back to life in the museum, and they’ve broken out already. They were all over the city. They police tried to confine them as much as they could, but… I don’t know. I’m scared. It was like watching a zombie apocalypse. Only it was a mummy apocalypse. All you need is some more blood and all the goths would be set. Not just goths, I guess. Johnny loved zombies. He was not goth. At all. Just a bit of a video game nerd.

What if he’s turned into one of them?

This is an accurate picture of the Doctor and me right now, with me as the exuberant Rapunzel and him as a very unamused Flynn.

We started off like this

but then he got all angry about the daleks and now he’s not nearly as much fun. Did I say daleks? YES I DID.

So we started off into some dark hallway, and I was like where are we going? And he was like I don’t know, just wandering around, and I was like I think we should go to that Ay guy’s rooms, he seemed suspicious, didn’t you think? And he was like why not?

Of course we didn’t really know where we were going, so there was a lot of bumping into things and then going by light of the sonic screwdriver and my phone, and we went in so many circles, I was just like OMG THIS WOULD NEVER BE IN THE SHOW, THANK GOD THEY CUT OUT THE BORING PARTS.

And then he got all offended, like THIS IS MY LIFE. AND ALSO, WE ARE WANDERING AROUND AN ANCIENT EGYPTIAN PALACE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, DO YOU REALLY THINK THIS IS BORING?

So that put things in perspective a bit, and I got super stoked again.

And then we did find Ay’s rooms, but there wasn’t really anything suspicious going on there. He was sleeping. We almost woke him up, but we didn’t, so we were like

some more, and then I was like, you know, everyone is always wondering what King Tut looked like. WE KNOW. We could take a picture! But he was like, No pictures, that always creates problems. Anyway, no one’s going to buy the idea that you went back in time. To which I really had nothing to say but

Then I was like COULD WE AT LEAST GO SEE THE BOOK OF THE DEAD? You know, Amun Ra, Amun Day, just like in The Mummy!!! And he was like

I LOVE THAT MOVIE, so we proceeded to act out scenes from it while wandering around the palace. He does a surprisingly good Brendan Fraser impression.

But then we ended up going to check in on the sick guards and we heard these mechanical sounds outside their rooms and then the voices, you know, emphasizing every syllable. There were two of them and they were like

THEY WILL NOT LAST MUCH LONG-GER.

THIS DIS-EASE WILL DE-STROY THE WORLD.

The doctor was just like

But I was like DALEKS OMG I LOVE THE DALEKS! HOW CAN ANYONE NOT LOVE DALEKS?

This may have not been the best thing to say to the Doctor, seeing as they more or less destroyed his whole race…

He was less than pleased, and eventually we decided that the best course of action was to go to King Tut directly and see if he had any idea of what was going on. So we find the kid’s bedroom, and THERE ARE DALEKS IN THERE TOO, AND THEY’RE DOING SOMETHING WEIRD TO THE KID’S HEAD. I’m really not qualified to explain what was happening, but it looked like, I don’t know, a brain scan. But the sort that aliens would do. You know. The Doctor said they were probably projecting something into the kid’s head - like these might be the “gods” the kid has supposedly communed with. But he also says that doesn’t make sense because daleks don’t act like this, they just kill everyone. You know, EX-TER-MIN-ATE.

So we’re all confused, and the Doctor’s really angry, but we can’t really just ask them what’s up, although that would awesome.

So we’re waiting until morning to talk to Tut and Ay and DEAL WITH SOME DALEKS.

I was complaining to the Doctor about not being able to blog or even LOOK at Tumblr because my phone is so crappy, and he was like who doesn’t have internet on their phone in the 21st century? Well, ME, OBVIOUSLY. And so he took my phone and did something to it with his sonic screwdriver.

Then he was like, there, I just downloaded your whole computer onto it. Now you have the internet and all of your files, and it should go about 500 times faster.

Uhhhh. Please sonic my whole life. It could be so much better. Seriously, when is Earth getting this technology? Maybe it could turn my house into a mansion. Or a spaceship? Do workouts for me. Make Johnny less of an idiot.

Okay, maybe sonic-ness can’t solve everything. But I still feel like it would just make life BETTER, you know?

One thing, though - the Doctor isn’t totally sure where in time these posts will go to. He thinks they should go to approximately when we left off since that was the date on my computer when he downloaded all of it, but there’s really no way of knowing, SINCE WE ARE IN ANCIENT EGYPT.

I really don’t know how I am handling myself. I think it has just been so much shock that I’ve started to accept it. Okay, maybe not accept it. But I’m more like

instead of just having a complete mental breakdown. So that’s good!

Anyway, to recap. We get out of the tardis in Egypt. There are sand dunes and pyramids and camels. When we walk into the city, everything is covered in glyphs (WHICH THE TARDIS TRANSLATES) and the palace has SO MUCH gold.

I suddenly realized that I REALLY LOVE HISTORY, I JUST HATE THE MUSEUM. And with the Doctor, history is bound to get 5 billion times cooler.

So we’re walking around and the Doctor asks some guy what year it is, and the guy looks at us like YOU’RE AN IDIOT, but he tells him, and the Doctor’s like Oh! King Tut must be, what, 11? Audrey, what do you know about King Tut?

I know that the museum was really angry we couldn’t get his exhibit. All we’ve got is some obscure mummies no one knows about. It’s like hipster Egypt. You’ve probably never heard of it. BUT apparently the mummies come back to life. I guess that’s cool?

He gives me this look like he’s thinking, Really? That’s all you’ve got?

So then I feel like I need to prove that I do know things, so I start pointing out everything I recognize from the exhibit and listing off everything I know about it. When I get to the end, I start talking about the sarcophagi that opened, and I’m like, the information plaques said that the inscriptions were the same on all of them. It said something like “Here lies one condemned, locked away from the world, to lie forever in the shadow of the true king.” It made them out to be these huge criminals, but this one time I was bored out of my mind, so I looked up all the glyphs myself and I had a bit of a different impression.

It seemed to me like it wasn’t actually saying they were condemned BY anyone. They were just condemned, like from some outside force. And forever wasn’t really forever, it was just a REALLY LONG TIME that they decided probably meant forever. And lie might have been wait. But really I was kind of just LOOKING to make it into a mummy movie, because I was SO BORED with my life. And honestly, hieroglyphs are RIDICULOUS and you can never really figure out what they’re trying to get across.

But when I told all of that to the Doctor, he looked at me and this slow smile spread across his face until he looked super excited.

It was like that moment in the episodes when his companions finally feel validated as his companions because they have figured something out and aren’t just worthless, along for the ride sort of people. Like you realize the Doctor actually thinks you are worth something, even though he is a TIME LORD and pretty much knows everything and does what he wants, but he would still choose to travel with YOU, some unimportant Earth girl. It is the best feeling ever.

Although I was kind of like… I don’t know what you think is brilliant, because I don’t even understand the implications of what I’m saying.

But anyway, we walked some more and I was like SO IS THIS WHERE WE BREAK OUT THE PSYCHIC PAPER AND PRETEND TO BE SOMEONE IMPORTANT SO WE CAN GO SEE THE KING?

He was like …yes, but I think he was kind of sad that I stole his lines.

So we go to the palace and show the psychic paper to some guards, and they’re like “OH, YOU’RE THE DOCTORS! YOU WILL BE TAKEN TO TUTANKHAMUN IMMEDIATELY.”

So we were kind of like HAHA WHAT OKAY THAT IS ALMOST TRUE, and we go, and King Tut is this kid, like 11 years old like the Doctor said, but he’s got the Egyptian eyeliner and all these gold rings in his ears and stuff. It was weird. The conversation was basically like:

King Tut: Are you doctors?

The Doctor: Weeeellllllllllll, I’m the Doctor, and this is Audrey.

King Tut: You are dressed very strangely for doctors.

The Doctor: Are we? Sorry about that. We’ve just come from very, very far away.

King Tut: Can you help them?

The Doctor: Help who? Who needs our help?

And he knelt down and talked to King Tut at his level, like he always does. He’ll always stop for crying children. For a second I forgot that King Tut is an Egyptian king, probably from some creepy incestuous relationship, and I think he marries his half sister later on and then dies when he’s like 18 and how weird Egyptians are in general. But for a second King Tut’s just this kid. And he’s scared.

So eventually we find out that three of King Tut’s most trusted guards are sick and no one can figure out what’s wrong with them. They looked pretty bad, I guess, but not like grotesque. They basically just looked like they had the flu. More moany and groany, but just give them tea, let them rest, I say. But of course, this is Doctor Who. So it’s probably an alien disease. Or they’re aliens themselves. Aliens built the pyramids, yeah?

So the Doctor asked a bunch of questions. I wasn’t really paying attention, because WE ARE IN ANCIENT EGYPT. There is just so much to look at. MORE TO SEE THAN CAN EVER BE SEEN.

But what I got out of it was that this disease hasn’t been going around at all prior to this, it just struck all at once, and they’ve been sick for a month now and they aren’t getting any better, and no one can figure out why. And then the Doctor was like, have you noticed anything strange going on lately? And then the King Tut’s adviser, Ay, was like THERE IS NOTHING STRANGE GOING ON.

I was kind of like

because, you know, it’s always the scheming, diabolical adviser.

And then the Doctor was like well, have there been any major changes around here?

And King Tut got all puffed up and self important looking, and he’s like oh, yeah, I just changed our religion around and lifted the ban my father had on worshiping Amun. When the Doctor asked him why, he was all like, Well, the gods have spoken to me, and I know and understand their will because I am one of them.

I kind of wanted to slap him.

But the Doctor was like oh, and what do the gods look like?

Tut’s just like, they’re gold, and they shine like the sun.

And then the Doctor was like, okay, but what’s so great about Amun? Why did your father have a ban, and why did you lift it?

Tut: Amun shines the brightest of all the gods. My father refused to see it.

Doctor: Uh-hum. And you’re one of them. But you don’t…shine.

And then Ay was like are you questioning the king’s authority and divinity?

Then I jumped in like, No, no, we’re just foreigners and we don’t understand your customs, but we will find a way to help you, and I made sure to talk really slow to emphasize our foreignness and basically sound like an idiot, and eventually Ay backed off. Then they were really quite hospitable and fed us dinner and stuff, although I am really quite scared of what I might have eaten. THEY NEVER SHOW MEALS IN THE SHOW. I WAS NOT EXPECTING THIS. But I guess I didn’t throw up during it, so all is well.

And now I am in a bedroom in King Tut’s palace that has a lotus pool and balcony and is quite fancy, but I’m not sure I’ll be able to sleep at all tonight. I want to run around. That’s what the Doctor does, isn’t it? Who can sleep when there are, like, ALIEN DISEASES RUNNING AROUND. OR THAT EVIL AY WHO IS PROBABLY GOING TO…DO…SOMETHING. SOMETHING BAD.

….

OMG, the Doctor just popped over my balcony and was like LET’S GO EXPLORING. Totally freaked me out.

And he says he likes a good nap.

I JUST

I CAN’T

CAN I EVEN BE USING THESE GIFS RIGHT NOW? I JUST DON’T KNOW. I CAN’T EXPRESS MYSELF.

HE IS EATING FISH FINGERS AND CUSTARD IN MY KITCHEN.

LIKE THIS. JUST LIKE THIS. Except he doesn’t look like Matt Smith. Although he sort of does, and like David Tennant, kind of a cross between them, with Jude Law thrown in for good measure.

HAVE I COMPLETELY LOST MY MIND????

I WAS ATTACKED BY MUMMIES TODAY.

Okay, okay, I told myself I was going to write it all out from the beginning, calmly, and then maybe I’ll be able to wrap my head around it. Doubtful.

So there were the scratching noises, and then they turned into pounding noises, AND THEN THE SARCOPHAGI OPEN AND THE MUMMIES START WALKING OUT. Needless to say,

So I’m screaming, the few other people nearby start screaming, everyone comes running from all the different parts of the exhibit and they all start screaming, IT TURNS INTO A GIANT SCREAMFEST.

And the SCARIEST thing is, WHEN THE MUMMIES TOUCH YOU, YOU TURN INTO A MUMMY. BANDAGES AND ALL. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH. THIS HAPPENED TO SOME FOURTH GRADERS. FOURTH GRADE MUMMIES ARE TERRIFYING.

I pretty much hid the whole time and then felt like a loser. I was like I SHOULD BE TRYING TO SAVE THESE PEOPLE. And then I was like….

But I did write that message to the Doctor, but then I was like I AM AN IDIOT THAT IS A TV SHOW WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME, and then the security guards came and the museum curator came, and they were all like WHAT IS GOING ON HERE, and then two of the security guards were turned into mummies, and the curator was like

And I was screaming and crying and like DOCTOR YOU SAID YOU WOULD COME BACK TOMORROW while also like OKAY THAT GUY WAS CRAZY. IN REAL LIFE THE DOCTOR DOES NOT COME SAVE PEOPLE, THEY JUST DIE, but then I was also like IN REAL LIFE MUMMIES DON’T COME BACK TO LIFE, I’M NOT SURE REAL LIFE APPLIES ANYMORE and then I hear the most beautiful sound in the world.

And he’s there. The gorgeous crazy man who thinks he’s the Doctor, and he’s like I’m sorry, am I late? and he sees the mummies, and he’s like Ohhh! Mummies, I haven’t seen that in a while! And the curator is like WHO ARE YOU, and I’m like

And then Johnny comes in from the space exhibit and is like WHAT IS HAPPENING. And then he sees the tardis and he’s like AUDREY WHAT THE HELL and I swear he thinks I have pulled everyone into my crazy fangirl delusions, and I’m just like IT’S NOT MY FAULT OKAY but actually still just more like

BECAUSE I MEAN REALLY. UNDEAD MUMMIES. THE DOCTOR. TARDIS AND ALL. WHAT IS MY LIFE.

Okay, I’m starting to lose track of what even happened, because it was just mass chaos. I guess the number of mummies went up by the minute since more people kept coming into the exhibit to see what was happening and so they kept touching more people and trying to move into the rest of the museum, so eventually the Doctor was like can you put the museum on lockdown? Stop everything from coming in or out? And the curator was like…..yes…..and the Doctor was like WELL THEN DO IT, and so he did, and everyone alive and not a mummy just gathered around the Doctor and were all simultaneously like WHO ARE YOU and WHAT IS GOING on and PLEASE SAVE US SINCE YOU ARE EVIDENTLY THE ONLY ONE WITH AUTHORITY HERE.

And I was like

Except WAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYY less composed and happily elf-looking. I was really more like

CAN’T HANDLE LIFE RIGHT NOW

And he was like

And he did some things with his sonic screwdriver (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and he asked me where they came from, and I was like THEY CAME FROM THE SARCOPHAGI THAT COULDN’T BE OPENED, and he went to look at them and he got all excited and was like OHHH A TIME LOCK, I HAVEN’T SEEN ONES LIKE THIS IN A LONG TIME. Honestly he was kind of like

which made the curator be like YOU ARE WAY TOO HAPPY ABOUT THIS, WHO ARE YOU SIR?

And so he was like I’m the Doctor! So there was the obligatory

And then I almost started laughing - okay, I did start laughing kind of hysterically, and everyone looked at me like I was insane, which at this point was totally understandable.

And then… okay, I don’t even know. I would like to give a detailed account that you could make into a scene from an episode if you wanted, but I just can’t. THERE WERE MUMMIES RUNNING AROUND EVERYWHERE, OKAY. So we kept running around the room trying to avoid them - SO MUCH RUNNING - and the Doctor said a lot of things really fast, and all I really got out of it was that he couldn’t solve the problem right then, at least not from right there and that we should all get in the tardis and get out of the museum. And the curator and everyone was like WE CAN’T FIT IN THAT TINY POLICE BOX. And I was like

and then we all got inside and they were all like WHAAAAT, and I was like THAT’S WHAT YOU GET FOR NOT BEING FANS OF THE SHOW, LOSERS. But then he flew it and it was really just more of I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT I CAN’T

AND HE LANDED OUTSIDE MY HOUSE and everyone was like WELL BUT THERE ARE STILL MUMMIES WALKING AROUND IN THE MUSEUM WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO ABOUT THAT THIS IS A PROBLEM WHAT HAPPENED I DON’T UNDERSTAND.

And he was like, Well, they’ll keep. Don’t worry, I’m the Doctor.

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. EVERY TIME, GUYS. EVERY TIME.

And then the curator was like, Well, yeah, the museum is in lock down, but don’t you think it’s ONLY A MATTER OF TIME before they break out? (TICKING CLOCK, GUYS, TICKING CLOCK)

And the Doctor did this shrug thing (HIS EXPRESSION WAS JUST LIKE THIS)

And was like TIME MACHINE.

And everyone was like WHAT.

I don’t know how he eventually got them all to leave, but he did. Except Johnny. He hung around and was like AUDREY THIS CAN’T BE HAPPENING. And I was like UM WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO ABOUT IT. And we had this really awkward staring contest, and then finally he was like, Well - all right - it’s obviously happening, but - Aud, in the show it’s always like… they always fall in love with him (NOT EVEN TRUE JOHNNY, HELLO, DONNA AMY RORY) and - they always end up a bit… they’re just not quite the same after traveling with him, and I just… I don’t want to lose you, Aud.

In the heat of the moment, I considered making out with him. We just almost died, he professed his undying love, it was MOVIE SCENE PERFECT. But then I was like OH HELLO, the DOCTOR is standing right over there

And I rather prefer him to any movie. He was kind of doing this whole

But I was like WAIT. I HAVE FISH FINGERS AND CUSTARD AND MY HOUSE IS RIGHT HERE. I WANT TO BE WITH YOU AND SAVE THE WORLD AND WHATEVER. BUT I MEAN NOT NECESSARILY RIGHT NOW. I DON’T KNOW IF I CAN HANDLE SAVING THE WORLD RIGHT NOW. COULDN’T WE JUST…

And he was like

Mummies…breaking out…infecting the world…it’s a bit of a problem, don’t you think? I should probably attend to it.

And I was like TIME MACHINE. And somehow I cajoled him into coming into my house, and Johnny left, and we had this moment when I grabbed onto his hand and was like COME ON.

PRETTY MUCH LIKE THAT.

BUT REALLY I’M STILL JUST LIKE

AND NOW HE IS EATING MY FOOD AND AND AND I DON’T KNOW. I TRIED TO ASK HIM QUESTIONS BUT NOTHING WAS REALLY COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH IN A SENSIBLE MANNER. So he was like why don’t you just, uh, relax. Take some deep breaths. You know.

And I was like DO YOU HATE ME BECAUSE I’M A FANGIRL?

And I think he was really kind of like

But he was actually really nice about it and didn’t say that he hated me, but it was kind of awkward, and I was deep down like HOW ARE YOU REAL, I DON’T EVEN BELIEVE THIS AHHHHHHHHHH. And he was like, I don’t think you can handle any explanations right now, and I was like YOU ARE SO RIGHT I LOVE YOU. And he was like … and I was like HAVE SOME FOOD, WAIT DO YOU STILL LIKE FISH FINGERS AND CUSTARD BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT ELEVEN? And he was like Yeah, I like it, and I was like OKAY EAT IT. So he is eating it, and I am sitting in the next room freaking out and eventually I will interrogate him, but first I have to just have to process this, which might take a while.

Everyone thinks working in a museum must be really cool. They’re all like THAT’S SO INTERESTING, YOU MUST KNOW SO MUCH ABOUT HISTORY, WHAT A NEAT JOB. And I’m like

I mean, I thought so at first too. I thought it would be all HISTORY! and ADVENTURE! and MUMMIES! COMING TO LIFE! maybe. Like this

Maybe that wasn’t a very rational idea. And it’s not like I’m actually at an Ancient Egyptian city, so I suppose it makes sense that I’m not having a fabulous adventure and falling in love with Brendan Fraser who is the most perfect action hero who will save me from becoming a human sacrifice to raise some dead guy’s girlfriend back to life.

But I do work in the mummy exhibition. I like to think my life is at least a little like Evie’s. But it’s more full of annoying grade school kids on field trips, please don’t touch the glass, you can’t cross those ropes, could you at least LOOK like your listening to what I’m telling you about the pyramids.

Mummies aren’t even a thing anymore, if they were ever a thing. I don’t mean they don’t exist. I mean NO ONE CAAAAARES. Did they ever care? They must have, right? The Mummy was a successful movie. People LOVED the King Tut Exhibition when it came out.

But when there’s a Zombie Exhibit across town, mummies just can’t compete. It’s a little ridiculous when you think about it. Mummies actually happened. This stuff is straight out of the pyramids. Nothing in the Zombie Exhibit is actually “historical artifact.” It’s all just crap from Max Brooks books. Someone needs to tell those people, The Zombie Survival Guide is not going to help you in your day to day life. World War Z has not happened, and it is not a prophetic revelation of what is to come. LET ME SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU, with Peeta Mellark as a guide.

MUMMIES: REAL.

ZOMBIES: NOT REAL.

And yet, zombies win every time. When you think about it, zombies and mummies are basically the same thing. In all mummy movies, the mummies get up and walk around and are evil. MUMMIES = THE WALKING DEAD. ZOMBIES = THE WALKING DEAD. This is simple math. If A = C and B = C, then A = B. Therefore, MUMMIES = ZOMBIES.

I tried to ask my friend Tara why zombies are a thing and mummies aren’t, and she said it was all the blood and guts and brains. I think that’s disgusting. I don’t get it.

So basically the only people who ever come to the mummy exhibit are the ecstatic history enthusiasts who don’t need me to tell them anything because they already know it all and the kids who are bored out of their minds and just walk around like zombies. [Oh no. The zombie mayhem. It is real. It’s already happened. AHHHHHHH.]

I mean, I guess I get the whole real, not real business. When the real is boring, you never get what you want, museums are just full of dusty dead guys and useless artifacts, it’s like WELL. I guess this is what we have to look forward to in the end. Filled with preservatives, stuck in a dim room, bored kids staring at you with glossy eyes, trying to figure out what you ever did with all this outdated technology. I mean, hopefully we won’t go back to mummification, but still. Who wouldn’t prefer the unreal? I just prefer my unreal in terms of space and stars and a man in a blue box.

THIS. GUYS, THIS.

Anyway, this all brings me to the exciting moment of the day that really was not all that exciting. It was basically the typical boring day at work, right, but then when we’re closing up Johnny is like, Do you want to go into the space exhibition?

And I’m like, Really, Johnny, really? You think that’s going to work? WE ARE THROUGH. FOR THE HUNDRED AND ELEVENTH TIME.

Johnny thinks our relationship ended like this

But really it was like this

I mean, he’s maybe less arrogant than Gaston. But still an idiot.

But anyway, he just gives me this look and is like, It’s not like that, Aud. I just think you’d like it. The space stuff. You haven’t seen it since it reopened. You like all that scifi stuff.

Eventually I agree to look at it, because I am a little curious, and it. was. amazing.

At first it was really creepy, because we went into this room, and then he shuts off all the lights and it’s pitch black, and I’m like OMG HE’S TURNED INTO A SERIAL KILLER, HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDE. But then he flipped some other switches, and it was like we were in space.

Like, that one Hubble picture everyone raves about? Let me find it.

This is a tiny patch of the visible sky, and all those things are galaxies. GALAXIES. I mean, maybe some of them are stars. I’m not an astronomer, and I didn’t listen to everything Johnny was saying, because I was pretty much just gaping the whole time.

All those galaxies. With all those stars. And all those planets.

I don’t even have a gif to describe this. I just want to go. I want to see it all. I want to know what’s out there. And I’m stuck in this insignificant museum in this insignificant city living my insignificant life.

I want to do something that matters. Or at least see something that matters. All anyone talks about is the zombie apocalypse or whatever other apocalypse they want, and I’m like don’t you get it? There are whole worlds out there. More than you can ever imagine. But the government doesn’t care about space exploration. All they about is… well, I don’t know. Keeping us entertained, maybe, while who knows what is happening. I guess they’re doing a good job. I’m playing into tv mania as much as anyone.

Anyway, we’re standing there and Johnny’s like, There’s so much out there. We don’t have any idea.

Something about the way he said it made me think, for a second, that maybe Johnny gets it. I mean, I don’t know. I guess everyone’s awed by space, but… My whole life I’ve felt like no one really gets it. It’s like… I don’t know… it’s like Belle in that scene

I WANT SO MUCH MORE THAN THEY’VE GOT PLANNED.

So for a second I thought Johnny got it, but then he was like, I’d give my right arm to go to the Moon, and I was like No, Johnny, you wouldn’t because then you would be severely incapacitated, and THE MOON, REALLY, THAT’S THE BEST YOU CAN DO? WE’VE BEEN TO THE MOON, JOHNNY. BEEN THERE. DONE THAT. TIME TO MOVE ON NOW.

So we closed up, and I went home, and now I’m waiting for my friend Hannah to come watch some Doctor Who with me. It never gets old.

You da man, Doctor, you da man.