ADVENTURES IN SPACE AND TIME!!!

It’s over now, I guess. And we survived. Me, the Doctor. Johnny. The human race. We made it.

It was terrifying at first. The moment we stepped out of the tardis, I was just like

It was a blood bath. Without the blood. Although some people were bloody, which Johnny informed us was fake blood they took from the zombie exhibit, or something. I do not understand people.

I guess after the initial madness and mayhem when the mummies broke out of the museum, people got kind of into it. I mean, it was the zombie apocalypse. With mummies, but hey, a little pretend has obviously never been a problem for the human race. So I guess I was wrong about The Zombie Survival Guide not helping you in your every day life. It helped people. They started using everything they learned from that stupid book to defeat the mummies. And it worked. The smashing skulls, blowing out brains business. Eventually they broke into the zombie exhibit and started using those weapons.

We arrived at the latter end of the battle, so honestly, we didn’t do much. We sort of just stood there. And peeked from behind things.

Yeah, kind of like that.

I happened to see Johnny during this, and honestly, I was kind of impressed. I guess his video game skills have paid off, because he was FIGHTING. IF THE MUMMIES WERE POTS, HE WAS SHANG.

Though a bit less ripped, unfortunately. Anyway, eventually he saw us and came over and told us everything that had happened since we’d been gone. He wanted to know what we’d been doing. I think he was a little bit mad at the Doctor, because it looked like we just left and didn’t do anything to help. He has no idea. Maybe I’ll tell him sometime, but… I didn’t feel like talking about it then. Not with him, anyway.

Eventually it looked like all of the mummies had been taken care of. They were maybe a few stragglers here and there, but this zombie apocalypse is definitely not going to become a worldwide thing. It’s over. Our zombie enthused city dealt with it.

Afterwards, I talked to the Doctor about it, and… I don’t know what to think. Everyone adjusted to this new zombie apocalypse world so easily. They just started killing the mummies like there was no tomorrow. Anyone who became a mummy, even if it just happened like two minutes ago, they were instantly attacked and brutally killed. But they were people too. Whether 800 years ago or just a few minutes. It’s like everyone was just so eager to kill. The moment someone seemed somewhat less than human, they just went to town.

This is what the Doctor had to say about it:

And he went on about how awful we are, how eager to kill anything in our way, how anything alien automatically this Other we have to get rid of.

And I was like yeah, but you still fight for us. Why?

You’re also brilliant, he said. You made up a zombie apocalypse so you could survive an alien virus years later.

I’m still angry about that, I said.

He just laughed and was like, Well, you have to admit it was brilliant. You humans never give up. You’re going to keep surviving. Reaching out into the stars, whether or not I ever get rid of that memory blocker. You’re fantastic, more than you’ll ever realize.

Me:

I may have creeped him out with some major fangirling at this point. But eventually I convinced him to come to my house again. I still have more fish sticks and custard, after all. And we both need a bit of a rest.

Before we left, I told Johnny that whatever happened, I’d come see him, sometime. I don’t know if anything more will happen between us now, if anything, but I do know that I’m glad he’s alive. I’m glad we’re all alive.

I AM SO ANGRY AND THE DOCTOR IS JUST LAUGHING AT ME.

So after a long time of sitting in the tardis kind of awkwardly and miserably, I was like, Doctor, come on. We’re not just going to let the human race turn into mummies. You’re the Doctor!

He was like oh, you have an idea?

And I was like WELL. …Um. Uh… No. But I mean, people can at least fight back! I mean, I know those mummies were people and it’s terrible what happened to them, but if there’s really no way of reversing the disease, they’re already dead, right? So people should stop them. So no one else dies. We have to warn them! We can go back to, like, I don’t know, any time before the mummies came out and tell people. You’ve seen the disease before, right? So we can at least tell people what’s going on. How to fight back. How do you fight back, anyway?

He told me that on Alphaxanthialan, they cut off their heads. Or smashed their skulls or something. It was the only way. There was something in their brains telling them to touch everyone near them and the only way to stop that message was to separate the brain from the body. Or just destroy it.

I was like 

WHY IS THIS TURNING INTO A ZOMBIE MOVIE.

But then I was like okay, well, we’re going to go tell people that. He was a little bit skeptical about who, exactly, we were going to tell, and also just upset that people are dying and he can’t save them, but he agreed it was worth a shot, so we took off in the tardis.

But we landed in 1967. And we ran into George Romero. I really only knew who George Romero is because of Johnny, and when we ran into him I was like just like

The Doctor was really excited. He was like oh, George Romero, Night of the Living Dead, brilliant! The movie that started the whole zombie craze!

And of course good old George was like, Night of the Living Dead, what’s that? Because of course he’s sitting there trying to write a script for a movie. And he’s like, do you guys have any ideas for a good horror flick?

I AM PRETTY SURE THE UNIVERSE HATES ME. BECAUSE I HATE ZOMBIES MORE THAN ANYONE IN THE WORLD, AND I AM NOW RESPONSIBLE FOR STARTING THE ZOMBIE FAD.

So anyway, we told him about mummies coming back from the dead. And he was just like yeah, but mummies have been done before. In the 30s. That’s so old. So then we were like well… they’re not just mummies. They want to turn everyone else into mummies by touching them. And… the only way to stop them is to cut off their heads, to separate that idea from the rest of their bodies.

He was like, Huh, you’ve got some interesting ideas there. I mean, reanimation, there’s just a lot you can do with that. Especially if it can happen to just anyone. They’d be everywhere, I suppose. The living dead. Night of the living dead.

I tried for a really long time to make him get it more accurate, but everything I said he just took off with his own ideas for that stupid gory zombie movie. I asked the Doctor if we couldn’t do this more efficiently. Just, like, tell people who are in authority. Like the police.

But he was just like

This is where the tardis brought us.

Next we meet Max Brooks. Not sure what year it was, but he loved everything we had to tell him. The disease part, the spreading of it, and he could brainstorm, like, 5 million ways to kill a zombie. I tried to tell him they’re going to be mummies, not zombies; it’s a mummy apocalypse, but he was just like mummies are so over. The world wants blood and brains and gore!

When we got back to the tardis, I was like well, Doctor, anyone else we need to turn into a zombie enthusiast?

He was like, Ohh, not that I know of.

Then I told him about the zombie exhibit across town and how angry it made me, because no one cared about real history. And then I was like… well… I guess the history museum wasn’t necessarily any more accurate. Maybe we’re about on the same level as the zombie exhibit. Maybe the zombie exhibit is more accurate. Who knows what’s real anymore.

After a minute or so, he was like well, shall we go see if it worked?

So, here we go.

The doctor somehow hooked up this one screen in the tardis so we could watch the news from the day after the mummies came back to life in the museum, and they’ve broken out already. They were all over the city. They police tried to confine them as much as they could, but… I don’t know. I’m scared. It was like watching a zombie apocalypse. Only it was a mummy apocalypse. All you need is some more blood and all the goths would be set. Not just goths, I guess. Johnny loved zombies. He was not goth. At all. Just a bit of a video game nerd.

What if he’s turned into one of them?

Everyone thinks working in a museum must be really cool. They’re all like THAT’S SO INTERESTING, YOU MUST KNOW SO MUCH ABOUT HISTORY, WHAT A NEAT JOB. And I’m like

I mean, I thought so at first too. I thought it would be all HISTORY! and ADVENTURE! and MUMMIES! COMING TO LIFE! maybe. Like this

Maybe that wasn’t a very rational idea. And it’s not like I’m actually at an Ancient Egyptian city, so I suppose it makes sense that I’m not having a fabulous adventure and falling in love with Brendan Fraser who is the most perfect action hero who will save me from becoming a human sacrifice to raise some dead guy’s girlfriend back to life.

But I do work in the mummy exhibition. I like to think my life is at least a little like Evie’s. But it’s more full of annoying grade school kids on field trips, please don’t touch the glass, you can’t cross those ropes, could you at least LOOK like your listening to what I’m telling you about the pyramids.

Mummies aren’t even a thing anymore, if they were ever a thing. I don’t mean they don’t exist. I mean NO ONE CAAAAARES. Did they ever care? They must have, right? The Mummy was a successful movie. People LOVED the King Tut Exhibition when it came out.

But when there’s a Zombie Exhibit across town, mummies just can’t compete. It’s a little ridiculous when you think about it. Mummies actually happened. This stuff is straight out of the pyramids. Nothing in the Zombie Exhibit is actually “historical artifact.” It’s all just crap from Max Brooks books. Someone needs to tell those people, The Zombie Survival Guide is not going to help you in your day to day life. World War Z has not happened, and it is not a prophetic revelation of what is to come. LET ME SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU, with Peeta Mellark as a guide.

MUMMIES: REAL.

ZOMBIES: NOT REAL.

And yet, zombies win every time. When you think about it, zombies and mummies are basically the same thing. In all mummy movies, the mummies get up and walk around and are evil. MUMMIES = THE WALKING DEAD. ZOMBIES = THE WALKING DEAD. This is simple math. If A = C and B = C, then A = B. Therefore, MUMMIES = ZOMBIES.

I tried to ask my friend Tara why zombies are a thing and mummies aren’t, and she said it was all the blood and guts and brains. I think that’s disgusting. I don’t get it.

So basically the only people who ever come to the mummy exhibit are the ecstatic history enthusiasts who don’t need me to tell them anything because they already know it all and the kids who are bored out of their minds and just walk around like zombies. [Oh no. The zombie mayhem. It is real. It’s already happened. AHHHHHHH.]

I mean, I guess I get the whole real, not real business. When the real is boring, you never get what you want, museums are just full of dusty dead guys and useless artifacts, it’s like WELL. I guess this is what we have to look forward to in the end. Filled with preservatives, stuck in a dim room, bored kids staring at you with glossy eyes, trying to figure out what you ever did with all this outdated technology. I mean, hopefully we won’t go back to mummification, but still. Who wouldn’t prefer the unreal? I just prefer my unreal in terms of space and stars and a man in a blue box.

THIS. GUYS, THIS.

Anyway, this all brings me to the exciting moment of the day that really was not all that exciting. It was basically the typical boring day at work, right, but then when we’re closing up Johnny is like, Do you want to go into the space exhibition?

And I’m like, Really, Johnny, really? You think that’s going to work? WE ARE THROUGH. FOR THE HUNDRED AND ELEVENTH TIME.

Johnny thinks our relationship ended like this

But really it was like this

I mean, he’s maybe less arrogant than Gaston. But still an idiot.

But anyway, he just gives me this look and is like, It’s not like that, Aud. I just think you’d like it. The space stuff. You haven’t seen it since it reopened. You like all that scifi stuff.

Eventually I agree to look at it, because I am a little curious, and it. was. amazing.

At first it was really creepy, because we went into this room, and then he shuts off all the lights and it’s pitch black, and I’m like OMG HE’S TURNED INTO A SERIAL KILLER, HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDE. But then he flipped some other switches, and it was like we were in space.

Like, that one Hubble picture everyone raves about? Let me find it.

This is a tiny patch of the visible sky, and all those things are galaxies. GALAXIES. I mean, maybe some of them are stars. I’m not an astronomer, and I didn’t listen to everything Johnny was saying, because I was pretty much just gaping the whole time.

All those galaxies. With all those stars. And all those planets.

I don’t even have a gif to describe this. I just want to go. I want to see it all. I want to know what’s out there. And I’m stuck in this insignificant museum in this insignificant city living my insignificant life.

I want to do something that matters. Or at least see something that matters. All anyone talks about is the zombie apocalypse or whatever other apocalypse they want, and I’m like don’t you get it? There are whole worlds out there. More than you can ever imagine. But the government doesn’t care about space exploration. All they about is… well, I don’t know. Keeping us entertained, maybe, while who knows what is happening. I guess they’re doing a good job. I’m playing into tv mania as much as anyone.

Anyway, we’re standing there and Johnny’s like, There’s so much out there. We don’t have any idea.

Something about the way he said it made me think, for a second, that maybe Johnny gets it. I mean, I don’t know. I guess everyone’s awed by space, but… My whole life I’ve felt like no one really gets it. It’s like… I don’t know… it’s like Belle in that scene

I WANT SO MUCH MORE THAN THEY’VE GOT PLANNED.

So for a second I thought Johnny got it, but then he was like, I’d give my right arm to go to the Moon, and I was like No, Johnny, you wouldn’t because then you would be severely incapacitated, and THE MOON, REALLY, THAT’S THE BEST YOU CAN DO? WE’VE BEEN TO THE MOON, JOHNNY. BEEN THERE. DONE THAT. TIME TO MOVE ON NOW.

So we closed up, and I went home, and now I’m waiting for my friend Hannah to come watch some Doctor Who with me. It never gets old.

You da man, Doctor, you da man.